So it has been five days since my grandmother passed and I think it is finally sinking in. I am starting to understand with the other two that I just held everything in. This time is different. I am living close to family and friends, I have the love and support around me that someone would need when experiencing something like this. Three years ago when my other two grandmothers passed I was on my own in PA. I basically held it all in. I needed to be a mom first and foremost and sometimes that means putting your own feelings aside.
For the first time in Owens life he saw me cry today. This was not an easy thing for him to see but I explained to him that mommies and daddies get sad and that it is ok. Sadness is an emotion that everyone has from time to time. Its normal. It didnt make it easy for him.
My grandmother suffered for a long time. She lost her big toe several years ago and since then she has had nothing but suffering. Last year she lost her leg and that was hard on her. Imagine yourself today and then think about you at the age of 78 or 79 losing your leg. I could not imagine. Yet, she stayed strong and lived life.
Today I have regret. I regret not calling more often or visiting enough. I know that everyone says you did what you could and to be honest, I do not believe I did. The fact is that I could have taken a little more time to stop what I was doing and see her. In time that will fade and I will have joy and comfort when I think about her and my other grandmothers. Right now I have hurt and regret.
I am not a public person. I am not one to put my feelings out there for everyone to know. I dont feel like this is doing that. I just want everyone to know how much I truely loved my grandmother and that she and my other grandmothers will always be in my heart. I think about them everyday!
This whole experience has taught me to say what I think and feel. I hear this alot from people but I am taking this whole situation and making the best of it. I am going to learn from my mistakes and flaws!
In loving memory of my grandmother: